Vulnerabillty

Hi! Here is a little glimpse into a larger intermodal project that I did on vulnerability. The full project includes drawings, spoken word played with music, and improvised authentic movement. I do not have documentation of the movement and I considered posting the video of my speaking with the music but I'm not willing to be quite that vulnerable right now. :) So here I have a couple of pictures of large drawings relevant to the exploration (taken with my macbook because that's unfortunately the highest quality camera I have right now) and I have taken the speaking part and brought parts of it together into a poem sort of form in order to give a summary. I hope it still translates enough in this form! Thanks for reading, and I alway love comments or questions!

When I am really just me
When I just put it out there
And I just let it happen
Either because I do not care or
Because the reason for doing it is worth enough
To let go of my pride
To let go of trying to be something

Imagine how beautiful it is to
Even a little
Slice open
Sit here with my inside exposed to you
And it just feels so silly
And maybe so unnecessary
But is that because it is?
Or is it because I don’t know what you are doing to say back?
And what matters is if you agree or not
All of the sudden what it is for me is so dependant on what it is for you
And thats not --
Is that real?

I cover it with glitter
I used to hate glitter but
I need it
So fantastic and fun and mystical
It’s over the top but it’s okay
Because I appreciate it
And if you hold it in the light it just becomes light
And it’s so funny
I used glitter in kindergarten
That’s what you use it for
To make Christmas decorations for you parents
Or in high school, cover your eyes in glitter because you think it’s cool
Later you look back and say, I will never do that again
I look like a Christmas snow flake decoration
That I made in kindergarten

As I write
I feel so connected
These emotions I am feeling
Open up like a flower
I see parts of them that I did not know I was feeling
And I see the depth
Instead of just those feelings underneath the surface kind of pushing at me
I open up and see they are so much deeper than I ever realized

I open up and I connect with a sadness
I thought it was a longing and a desire
An appreciation?
A strong feeling
And it is a sadness
It’s bittersweet
Bittersweet
It’s just the only word that fits and
I hate that word
Because it’s one word
It sounds so cliche
And I don’t want to sum it up in one word
It’s bigger than one word
It’s a whole fifty paragraphs if you write like me because I write so much

And when I reach out to you
And I wait to find out what you think
And that is going to alter the whole way I am thinking?
Part of me does not want that to happen
I just want it to be mine
But that’s not what it is
It’s a about the connection between us
So it’s not just mine
And it’s so unknown now
While I thought my own emotions were so unknown
I realize that yours a far, farther beyond my reach
And it doesn’t even compare
I just have no idea

I feel myself turn off a little
It is a defense
I am preparing myself to be okay with whatever is said
But am I really okay?
Could I have the strength instead to just hold onto how I feel?
To not open up to any possibility?
But to let myself feel how I truly feel and not turn off my fear
Not open up to be flexible
Just open up to take what you have to give
And let it grind against mine
Let it just kill me inside
Or let it just push me over a little
Because it’s not as dramatic anymore
It was all in my head and it was all developing
It came out in words and it was so powerful

I did it because I wanted to solve it
But maybe I don’t want it to be solved
Because that just takes it all away
That just takes away the depth